Epitome of Singularity

Sometimes i find myself thinking as if i have been deluded and satirized by my subconscious. A betrayal and yet a self defense mechanism grinding the gears of my life. A pacifist since the beginning, i now find myself lost in the woods surrounded by the fires of animosity.

Reminding myself of my past, i dwell on the dark side of my nature. Inspired by a lyrical thought, i always envisioned myself as a remorseful being who found solace in a rapper's sentient words - "Sometimes i cut myself to see how much it bleeds. Its like adrenaline, the pain is suddenly rushed to an extent and is then ceased". Should i embark on this quest for self fulfillment or should i just go all the way like Van Gogh or perhaps a more 'grungier' approach like Kurt Cobain?

Inside i feel as if i am still that 13 year old boy, intent on keeping himself below the rules and obeying them with the strictest of morals. But would my consciousness allow that? Inadvertently, on the outside, i feel as if i should be the one creating the rules and then bending them for my pleasure. Wouldn't that be a masochistic approach? So far i have failed to acquire the knowledge to decipher myself.

Perhaps i need to embark on a quest to find my own Holy Grail or else perish in the depths of the deepest of all abysses - sorrow.